Thinking in Circles

It has recently become clear to me that I think in circles.

Let me start with a small example before I move onto the major topic that's taking up noisy residence in my brain.

Last week, I was at the Origins Café with my parents. I spied a very attractive gentleman sitting at a nearby table. He was in a suit, with a laptop and a bagel. He had short hair, a short beard and looked to be mid-twenties. Seeing a hot man in Origins was not unusual.  My pointing him out to them and all of us sighing was just as normal. If this was one of those normal days, I'd just smile, enjoy my latte with honey and go home. But this was action week of my stunt, so I couldn't have that.

So I asked him out via a note after chatting him up. (And no, my parents weren't watching. They'd gone on errands so I could have "space") Go ahead, congratulate me if you will for taking the initiative, but it isn't all that impressive. I got fed up with waiting for men to ask me out a VERY long time ago. I've done the asking for years, the leaving my number, the asking to dance, etc. The nitty-gritty of it is that this guy and I chatted, I gave him my number, he texted me and-well, let me stop there for a moment. No spoilers.

I want to tell you my thought process starting from when I saw him until the moment I walked out after leaving my number.

That guy is hot. I wish I could spend some time with him.                                        

Okay, my parents have left so I can talk to him.

I'm sitting next to him! Wahoo! Let's start a conversation. How do I do that? I should leave him a note…but how will he remember who I am? I know! I'll ask him how to spell a really long word. (I did not realize how difficult this was. I know how to spell most any word. The only one I could think of was "superfluous," and I was pretty sure I could spell that. So I came up with one that the barista working Origins had asked us last week, Entrepreneurial)

Okay, he had to look it up and now he's used it to start a conversation! Yeah! The men don’t' usually do that on their own!

You know, he's kind of talky. He's good looking though, one of the most good-looking I've asked out really.

He hasn't asked me anything. I'm kind of bored-no. I can't be bored. I put effort into this!

This has turned awkward. Maybe I shouldn't have come over here. Maybe he isn't as good looking as I thought. You know, I'm hoping to go to Oz. I shouldn't be pursuing a guy.

I wish I wasn't here. 

See how my thinking goes in circles? I started out being excited, then got him and through no fault of his own, (he actually put in more effort than most) I decided I wished I hadn't acted. The fact that we then went on a date together and it went TERRIBLY doesn't change anything. That's a "superfluous" detail.

I am doing these mental circles about Australia. This is how my thinking has gone in the past six months:

I miss my friends. I wish I could go back one day, but no, I want to settle down.

I've been home over a year and can't find a husband. I wish I could go back to Oz, but no. I haven't tried hard enough!

(My parents, after hearing my mention how much my Ozzie's are in contact with me, ask about my going back)

I want that so much, it aches. I don't listen to Mumford and Sons, because that reminds me of being there. I want to settle down, but it hasn't worked.

Maybe I should do some research on plane ticket prices and visas.

Wow, it'd be really expensive.

(Parents are really supportive of the notion that the money is possible)

I work at a coffee shop. Maybe I could work at a coffee shop. I'll contact my friend who knows people who at work at Ozzie coffee places.

Oh my god! They tentatively offered me job on arrival! I can't believe it! I think its' time to tell my friends I'm trying to come back…wait, what if they're not excited as I am? Oh well. They've been awesome so far.

I might be misremembering. What if I've colored them to be more awesome than they were? What if I get there and I feel I don't belong? That I've been gone too long? What if I come home and that permanently colors my friendships with them?

Which is better, not going and always missing them, wondering how it'd have been if I went…or go and risk it not being as great as I'm hoping? Maybe it's better not to take the risk.

What if I fall in love there? If he wants to stay there, I'll be apart from my family. If I stay there, my family would come, but they'd have to sell SO much of their things. Would I want to put that pressure on them?

Maybe I should just go back to searching for a husband.

How long have I been doing this, taking things I want and then twisting them around until I rethink my wanting them at all? I know I go into dates thinking like this. I go into friendships like this, I know I go into jobs like this and apparently, I somewhat do this for travel as well. Mental circles, also known as over-thinking and what-if's, they warp my views of things and detract from my happiness. This ties right into my expecting the worst of things instead of the best of things, ALL the time. (And yes, that was a sort of, kind of attempt at a literary joke) Thinking about Oz, I decided I need somebody with an outside view of this, but who knows me. So, of course, I went to my mom.

I asked her questions about my having fun there, how I sounded, what I enjoyed, what SHE saw vs. what I've said since my return. She says what I was happy, did have fun and that my friends have done nothing but support the notion they like me since I've been gone. "Go," She said. "We regret the things we don't do, not the things we do."

I think that until I learn a way to sidestep my what if's, I'll need to make use of outside viewpoints. Thanks mom.