How to explain?

How do I explain to someone else how it is to walk in my brain? To look out through my eye sockets? I wonder if Hannibal would have this much trouble telling Hell's Kitchen about his latest favorite foreign delicacy. Until this year, I had no desire to peel back the layers of my brain matter and expose them to someone else, let alone me. I am, however, participating in an online class that asks its participants to pick something that intimidates them and turn facing it into a three week project. We are then expected to write about said project. I chose "interactions."

I will be posting my "stunt writing plan" as its called, but I want to tell you in my own words what this means. Its' not as simple as stating go out and eat with somebody, ask a guy out, go dancing, call a friend, etc.

CARS: I can't explain how awkward it is to go on a car ride with somebody alone. The tug-of-war between them talking and my talking-who runs the conversation? Who lets it fall dead? The incredible, suffocating awkwardness when silence happens.

CALLS: How fast do I look for an escape from a phone conversation? I push the "answer" button and I'm already forming an escape sentence such as "sorry, dinner is almost on," "I was just about to head out to work," "I need to hit the hay because I have to be up at the crack of dawn," and all of these can be true or utter lies. It doesn't matter. I've got one of these excuses in hand EVERY TIME. It makes me feel safe.

INVITES: It doesn't matter if they're from somebody I like, somebody I don't, somebody I barely know, but when I receive one, my first instinct is to find a reason I'll be busy. I've used the "I'm sick" and the "I'm out of town" many times. If I do go? Yeah, I have a good time, I'm glad I went. Will I try to escape the next invite too? Absolutely.

HUGS: I feel like Sheldon from Big Bang Theory in regards to these. How long should they last? How long is too long? How short can be judged rude? Where do the hands go? How does one initiate one without being rude? Don't get me wrong. I love to be touched. I love to be hugged. I can name several people I know (who aren't family) who are incredible at it. I just don't know how to GO ABOUT STARTING one. If I'm at a gathering where people are hugging goodbye, I'm known for conveniently backing away.

PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION: I am a traveler. There's very little I love more than hitting the road, watching the world pass me by through the window, be that a bus window, train window, car window, plane window. BUT, people sitting next to me is something I dread. I like meeting other travelers, but if they are SHORT meetings. I need to be able to leave them whenever I want and I can't do that on a moving vehicle. If they're next to me and it turns awkward-well, its' something that detracts from my adoration of travel. On local, city buses, I'm known to be one of those people that puts their backpack on the seat alongside them. If there are people standing who are glaring at this, I would prefer to stand up and spend the rest of the trip on my feet than let someone sit next to me. Is this unreasonable? Unarguably. Does this stop me? It hasn't yet.

This is me. This is how my brain operates and apparently, how its' operated for a long time. I just had no idea that this was unusual. My mother has tinnitus. She spent the first THIRTY years of her life thinking that everyone heard a screeching noise in their ears, that it was normal and it was a revelation to her when she found out otherwise. I was completely thrown to find the same applied to my perspective of interactions. This is me. This is how I AM and no, it isn't normal.

Its time to peel back the layers and maybe, just maybe found out why. More than that, perhaps I'll even find out how many layers deep this goes.