Being Seen as Vulnerable

Being Seen

Recently, my mom told me about an article she read about suppressing emotions. In our society, expressing ourselves by crying, yelling, even intense displays of affection or dancing in a circle because we're overjoyed are all viewed as inappropriate. Tears make you a wimp or a weak. Children should be shielded from PDA. Yelling matches should be kept behind closed doors. Happy dances of joy make you a weirdo.

According to my mother, the article went onto describe Spock from Star Trek. As a Vulcan, he is trained to suppress all emotions so that logic can prevail, even dominate. Research suggests, however, that without emotion, logic is inhibited, almost impossible. Spock would likely stay in his quarters and be unable to choose which pair of shoes to wear with his uniform, let alone provide the captain with invaluable advice.

Between Spock and what I saw in the Ted Talk, a thought occurred to me. Society perceives vulnerability as a weakness. Apparently, there's this idea that those who DO show emotion, who LET themselves be seen as vulnerable, are happier.

I cannot fathom being seen as vulnerable, let alone letting that happen VOLUNTARILY.

Let me explain.

If I am out with a friend and I ate too much at lunch, therefore I feel a stomachache setting in, I will call home. I will request my mom to come up with a lie, a reason she needs me to come home.

If I have a cold, I don't want to be seen by ANYONE. I don't want to go to coffee, go shopping, go down the block or go to work. I despise blowing my nose in front of other people. I want to hide my face if my eyes are burning, so people won't see. During something as simple as cold, I want to hide in my room and wait until it's over. (With perhaps the exception of my mother and father, who is the only one I allow to see me like this)

If I get hurt, (drop something on my foot, slip and hit the ground, gash my hand, hit my head, something causes me pain) my first desire-no, my first reflex is to say 'I'M FINE! I'm GOOD! There's no problem here!" I don't want to be seen in pain, any pain.

Shockingly, this even applies to happiness. If I'm out with somebody and having a ridiculously good time, I'm going to temper it, rein it in. What if I pressure them to have a better time than they're actually having? What if they see my joy and are made uncomfortable by it? What if I scare them off? Its' best I keep my keep my "fun" at a medium until I know how their "good time" compares to my" ridiculously good time."

In all of these situations, I am vulnerable and it downright terrifies me. The moment I feel outside my comfort zone, I want to escape. This doesn't even have to mean leaving the situation physically. It all too often means I slap a mask on, a "no, I'm not sick/no, I'm not in pain/no, I'm not nervous/no, I'm not overwhelmingly happy" mask.

So as I said, I cannot fathom LETTING myself be seen as vulnerable. I know that isn't healthy and that research is showing the tempering or burying of emotions is known to affect happy emotions too. This hasn't stopped me before.

I guess for now, I'll go to Spock's quarters and join him in the decision making process of shoes and uniforms.