Faith

I know that for an atheist, this might be an odd title. Still, it is fitting.

My parents have more faith in me than I do and according to my mother, its an inherent duty. Its' written into the Parents Guide to Parenting. It still astounds me the depth to which that faith runs. Tonight, it was my dad's faith in me that popped out.

I have been rereading my old Nomadic Nicole blog posts, (the reason which I'll post in an actual post by itself) and I ran across the one where I got to be a Head Cook for an Alaskan day. I have lot's of things to say about that, but the bottom line is that when I was done, my jaw was hanging open. When had I had those balls? Where had that confidence come from? Where the HELL did I find the wherewithal to do THAT?

I needed to talk about it. First, Coryn got to hear the story. Dad and Caspian then heard it over dinner, (mom was working and heard it from a distance) but it was dad who was leaning forward, eyes intent. He heard the whole thing and then-then he started asking me questions.

"When you were in Alaska on the train, did you ever think of being Head Cook?"

Me: "I thought about it before that day I got to be one, but it was a "no way!" But once I had that chance to see what it was like? Then, yeah, I did wonder. Last year, when we nearly had Caspian and me go to Alaska and get jobs with the railroad, I asked myself what I wanted to go back as. I wasn't underage anymore. I could be a bartender or server, but-but what about Head Cook? They're paid more, respected higher, I've probably got the reputation to back it up and I know Jerry would talk me up. So yeah, I've thought about it."

"And what about at Starbucks, could you see yourself being a supervisor? Taking that step UP like you did that way with Luke the Head Cook?"

Me: "Well, I still think they need an assigned trainer, like I mentioned to them."

"What if you wrote up a proposal, sent it into them, very official? What if they said yes? What if they wanted that trainer to be you?"

Me: "But I'm leaving the country."

"But what if you didn't? What if you were a trainer, earned more money, rose up through the company?"

Me: "But I'm leaving the COUNTRY!"

"What if you rose high enough that they sent you out of the country? Sent you to Australia to train people there? What if you CHOSE not to go back to Brisbane the way you'd originally planned?"

Me: .....

He has so much faith in me, it leaves me speechless. He and me literally think I could do anything. They literally would support my pursuit of any dream, though they might caution me, it would never be because they think I am incapable. They think I am capable of everything, the moon, the stars, without limits and my gods, whatever is my brain supposed to do with that? As I go round and round in my thinking circles, doubting what I want until I get it and then knowing without a doubt that IS what I want and vice versa, as I do that over and over again, I come back to that unrelenting parental faith.

They think I can, even when I think I can't.
Who do I want to be right?
I want them to be right.
What if my getting out of my own way is the only thing keeping that from happening?
Maybe I should only be an atheist toward God and not about my parents. Theirs is a good faith. I live on that faith.